Burlesque Rocks

Every creative’s nightmare: Procrastination.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been in this hole since about June. After I wrote the blog about the Hebden Bridge Burlesque Festival, I built up an idea that;
“This is it! This is what my blog can become! I can write reviews of burlesque and cabaret shows, that will be how I build up my brand.”

After I wrote the piece, I procrastinated over it, and spent hours making plans of where I would share my blog, then I froze. The fear and second thoughts crept in:
“What if no-one likes it? What if people take my comments the wrong way? Who am I to be an authority on this subject? Will I be able to take the negative comments that will inevitably arise because this is the internet and trolls are everywhere!”

When I was ready, I quietly shared it, keeping the blog low key. I encouraged myself that at least I had done it and the voices in my head hadn’t won. But, I was disappointed that I didn’t believe in what I had written enough to share it with a wider audience.

The little voice remained in my head so when I began July’s blog the procrastination was still there even though I had a plan and knew what I wanted to write about. I had decided to write about how the Burlesque Rocks clan met up in real life as well as online. It turned out to be more difficult to write than I had imagined. My usual process of two to three drafts did not work, and I scrapped and re-drafted the blog several times. I kept using the excuse,
“I can’t find the rhythm or the message of the piece.” So the beginning of July deadline came and went. I continued to procrastinate and began to avoid writing.

The August blog deadline drew near and I almost didn’t publish that blog either. Again, the voices in my head reared their ugly heads. Arming myself with Trixi’s motto of ‘just do it’ in my head, I stood up to the voices and hit ‘publish’. But I did not share that I had published it on social media. It was a very personal piece and I let the fear of people judging me over my words get to me. Was I using Trixi’s death to promote my blog? I felt uneasy which gave the negative voices in my head an opportunity to take hold.

Now we are in September, and the procrastination continues. I’ve been using the excuse that I have a puppy to put off my writing along with all of the fears I outlined at the beginning of this blog. But, I am determined to continue with my blog and my writing. The imposter syndrome is strong and always has been, I feel like I’m falling into the old cycle that I have been trying to break for the past 15 years.

When I produced, I always had ideas for new shows, and whenever I launched a new one, I faltered over the advertising. The fear of success and failure stopped me from going all in. It was easier to keep the advertising and social media reach small and less intrusive, my logic was: if I keep it small, I can protect myself from harm. The voices saying, “My shows have never been successful enough. I will never be enough. No-one will want to come. It will be another small audience. I’ll be paying the acts out of my own pocket again. More money down the drain. You’re no good at this. Why do you carry on?” But I was determined, which was why I carried on and occasionally things would happen to prove the voices wrong.

In the early years when I began expanding my shows, I had so many failures and a few successes. Because of the way my brain works, I would focus more on the failures and overthink them. To the point where my brain would freeze, and the fear would set in that I would fail again. Marketing for the show would begin well but would always trail off as the fears intensified. If you look at the old @lushcabaret and my current @burlesquerocks Instagram account, you can clearly see I am consistently inconsistent.

I have learned that I can change but it takes time and a lot of encouragement. I have begun to learn how to play the drums (this is how I plan to get through the menopause – angrily banging sticks of wood) and there are weeks where I get frustrated with myself and my ability. Lewis, my teacher, is very encouraging and some of the advice he gives for learning the drums is the same advice I need for my everyday life.

I still focus more on the failures than the successes but at least I am aware of that (got to celebrate the small wins – thank you, Lewis). For the second time in a week I have heard the phrase “You’ve got to big yourself up because noone else is going to do it for you(?)” . I’m taking from that saying – celebrate yourself and all of your achievements, big or small. You can ask a friend to big you up when you need it but in the day to day it is rare for someone to big you up out of the blue. So here I am, celebrating the fact that I have written a blog for this month. Yes it has come out later than the deadline that I have given myself but I have done it and will continue to do it. Hopefully next month I will finish the blog I planned to post in July or maybe I’ll write something new?

Who knows…

One last note on procrastination: I have set up a Kofi account, well actually I set it up a year ago and have avoided sharing it thinking noone will donate. (I mean of course people won’t if I don’t share it.)

If you are enjoying my blog please click the button and I will keep going. It will help pay for the tea I drink when I’m at the local cafe writing.

Thank you for reading. I’ll keep writing.