Burlesque Rocks

A relationship develops – this blog includes some text messages I transcribed into a forgotten notebook that I luckily found before writing this instalment of my tale.

The wild and windy weather of Tow Law, County Durham, was on top form, the temperature a stark contrast to India. I was wearing an overcoat whilst I looked at the screensaver of my parents computer bouncing around the screen. Why on earth had they moved the computer into the conservatory?! I’d been back at my parents’ home for two weeks, but it had been a month since I’d last seen Jamie. Jamie, who was now on the other side of the planet, nice and warm, and about to wake up and go to work, while I was sitting there freezing my tits off!

An idea had come to me after I had read Jamie’s last email. I was trying to decide how to write it out and simultaneously trying to decide if the idea was a good one. Since my return to the UK, we’d been in daily contact. My days now revolved around looking for work and constantly refreshing my emails for replies from producers and Jamie.

The whole situation was absurd, I knew that, but there was just something about him that I couldn’t let go of. Like, it was inevitable that I would see him again. Instead of writing the email that was swirling around in my head, I drifted back to India…

The morning after the night before, and I was in no mood to leave Jamie’s hotel. The sheets were a tangled mess, I snuggled in and as if by magic Jamie’s arms wrapped themselves around me. Yep, I wasn’t going anywhere.

Tap – Tap – There’s a gentle knock at the door. Jamie struggles to find his shorts, I giggled as I watched the chaotic display of sheets flying, clothes being thrown here and there but at the same time I made myself a little smaller in the bed. We were not 100% sure how the hotel would feel about him having an additional guest.

It’s Roger, checking Jamie has remembered he has things to do today for the wedding and why wasn’t he at breakfast? I suspect he spotted the Emily-shaped lump in the bed as he stopped quizzing Jamie and left with a warning not to be late. We still had time for another round before he had to go.

When I finally left the hotel room to bright sunshine, it didn’t feel like ‘the walk of shame’. My yogic bubble was changing into a romantic one. Plus I had plenty of time to get changed for the wedding!

I had decided to wear a salwar kameez and churidar (picture below). From my research this is a traditional outfit in Northern India. I’d seen it a lot across southern India on my first adventure and I figured I would be more comfortable in it than a sari. I kinda regret not going for the sari but you know what, I still love the colour of the outfit I wore that day.

On arrival at the wedding venue, I was being quizzed left right and centre about what had happened with Jamie. I was giving nothing away verbally but, the added spring in my step and grin on my face betrayed me. A round of mojitos was ordered and I happily sipped away looking out onto the beach. Every time I have a mojito now I think back to that day. The waning heat of the day, the perfect balance of lime, mint and rum swirling around in my mouth, a warm breeze and the faint sound of the waves crashing nearby. Heaven.

The wedding ceremony overlooked the hotel’s private beach, timed perfectly with the sunset. It began with a traditional Sindhi ceremony followed by Christian vows. Jamie was part of the ceremony and looked adorably uncomfortable in front of everyone. He had to help tie Sarah and Sanjay together at one point. I loved how seriously he was taking it; the relief on his face when he had completed his task was hilarious. The wedding was beautiful, I’m glad I made the trip to be there.

And then it was done. Off to the reception, I was beginning to get a bit anxious. I knew everything was cool between me and Jamie but I hadn’t spoken to him since I left his hotel earlier that day. Did he want to hook up again tonight? I knew that I did. I needn’t have worried, out of nowhere he appeared looking hot with a big grin on his face. His arm slipped around my waist as if it belonged there. Yep, there was going to be a round two.

The next thing I remember was being flung onto the stage to do our Bollywood routine. This went by in a flash. In the post-dance high, I was brought crashing down to earth by others telling me what I’d done it wrong. Looking back I re-added a turn that had been taken out earlier in the week. I don’t remember it happening, I was just going for it. I felt guilty that I had let everyone down but thankfully Jamie swooped in and showered me with praise for how amazing I was. I stopped caring about what people said; he was on my side. The gesture and what he said made me feel better and lifted me right up. I was ready to head back to his place.

We spent the next two days together, playing it cool when we were with the rest of the group and then all over each other when we were alone. When we said goodbye in Chennai it wasn’t for long, almost a rehearsal before the actual goodbye. We were both headed to Agra to see the Taj Mahal. My sister and I took the train, and Jamie and his family had a private tour booked.

We were by a fountain outside Jamie’s hotel, dark and windy but the warmth of the evening enveloped us. We’d already exchanged numbers and email addresses which is how we had arranged to meet up in Agra. We kissed and had one of those long embraces where you know you have to pull away, but you’re not quite ready to. Taking in his scent, I turned and walked away. I kind of knew that wasn’t going to be the last time I saw him; there was something inevitable about him. But at the same time, I didn’t want anything serious; starting a relationship with a guy on the other side of the planet would be madness. We promised to keep in touch, but I’d learned over the years that saying you would keep in touch didn’t always mean that you would.

Weirdly though we did keep in touch, in fact we were emailing almost every day. We’d both hit our own realities when we got back home. Jamie alone in Sydney, a place he didn’t like very much. Me back in the UK with no job or home and staying with my parents. Back in the freezing cold conservatory I made a decision. I’d been negotiating some work, reminiscing over the yoga retreat and reading Jamie’s emails when the thought hit me like a bolt of lightening.

I was going to do my working holiday visa in New Zealand.

A guy I met at the yoga ashram in India recommended the Vipassana course to me and said the best place to do it was New Zealand. The country had been on my radar for a while, thanks to the Lord of The Rings films and lots of recommendations from people while I was in Australia doing my working holiday visa. The added bonus of going to New Zealand: Australia is on the way. I could break up the long flight and see Jamie for a couple of weeks.

I had something to aim for and save for: another adventure on the horizon and a possible date with a naval officer on the way. I remember taking a deep breath in the conservatory and thinking – ‘Fuck it! I’m going in …’

The exact email was lost over time but it went along the lines of:

I’m thinking about applying for my New Zealand visa and heading out in September. I could stop off in Sydney on the way. There were a few places I didn’t go to in Australia the last time. It would be good to see you and maybe see if there’s more to this than just a fling.

It’s just a thought, lemme know what you think,
Lots of Love,
Em xx

I pressed send, then thought: ‘what have I done?’

Two months later

I was looking at my phone as if a bomb had gone off. An explosion of feelings swirled through my head. “Shit! This is amazing! Fuck I’m horny. Oh God! What does this mean? How do I feel about this?!” To explain I need to rewind a couple of steps.

The morning had begun like most of my mornings on tour. I’d wake up in an unfamiliar room, remember where I was and then have to think about what day of the week it was. On that day I was in Eastbourne. It was a Saturday, a two-show day with get-out (packing the trucks with the set etc ready to move to the next venue) I let out a groan, it was going to be a long day. I was in desperate need of something to cheer me up and make me feel better. Checking the time I reached for my phone, Jamie should still be awake. ‘I’ll drop him a message.’

E: I’m being totally lazy lay in bed. Should I get up and do something?

Almost instantly I got a reply…

J: Nah lay in bed a little longer and soak up the warmth. I could snake my way under the sheets and make it worthwhile x

I smiled to myself, ‘let the sexting begin.’

Since my ‘lemme know what you think’ email our communication had intensified. We’d gone from our regular emails, to calling each other, whenever I was able. We also got in the habit of sending each other messages for when the other was getting up, it was cute. Then the sext messages started. It was wild. I felt safe opening up to him and, I loved the imagery in his messages. Slow, seductive, intense, dirty and sweet in places. But on that morning things climaxed in a very different way.

J: Holy Shit, ok time out! Fuck you turn me on. I don’t know if it’s you, or distance or timing or what the fuck, but you turn me on like no one else can x

E: I don’t know what it is but the thought of you just kissing me sets me off. I just want u to feel the same.

J: And I am, do you remember something I said to you when we first got together?

Choosing my words carefully

E: Is it… I could easily fall in love with you?

J: Yes I’ve been trying to remember exactly how I said it, cause damn me if I knew! I must be clairvoyant! I can’t wait to kiss u xx

E: I can’t wait to hug + kiss you xx

I was left mulling over the last few messages for a while. What was going on in Jamie’s head? My phone beeped, taking a deep breath I read his reply.

J: Ok, so I think I’m falling hopelessly in love with u! What do I do now? I’m in love with a woman that lives halfway across the world to me.

Shit!

This was the point where I looked at my phone like it was a nokia shaped bomb. ‘I need to reply soon or he’ll think I am freaking out. I mean yes, I am freaking out, but I need to take a breath.’

E: Ditto. I’m in love with a man on the other side of the world but I’m going to see him in September.

I do wonder that if emails and text messages hadn’t existed, would mine and Jamie’s relationship ever have blossomed the way it did? I was both elated and freaked out about the direction this relationship was taking. My original plan had been simple, book a round-the-world ticket, then stop in Sydney for a couple of weeks before heading to Auckland. Jamie and I would have a romantic couple of weeks and see what happens. The talk of love changed things for me. This was getting serious.

Did I want serious? Was two weeks long enough to see if a relationship could work between the two of us? My instinct was to run away, change my number and stop this insanity. But there was this little voice that, through the course of our constant communication, was getting louder;

“You’ve never let yourself fall in love. This one seems different, why not give it a go?”

I had to admit the care and attention Jamie showed me in India was something I hadn’t experienced before. It was the small things like putting a reassuring arm around me, asking what I wanted during sex, complimenting me but not in a weird way that made me feel uncomfortable. I felt brave enough to show him affection and tell him what was going on in my mind. My skin felt electric whenever he was near me, it was both intense and relaxed all rolled into one. While we were together for that short time he made me feel good about myself and I wanted more.

When I started work on the tour, he became a drug I depended upon whilst I schlepped from one venue to the next with a show that was good, but not selling well. The half-empty houses we were playing to left the whole company feeling demoralised. This on top of having no home, living out of a rucksack, being constantly tired and putting up with misogynistic men, was wearing me down. Jamie had become the light at the end of the tunnel and New Zealand had slipped down my list of priorities. All of this, the voice in my head and the love message exchange pushed me to make a decision: I was going to let myself fall in love.

I realised I had to know for sure if this was really love and if the relationship that was developing could last. I decided to extend my stay in Australia. Two weeks wasn’t going to be long enough to know for sure. On our next phone call, we talked about our feelings for each other and Jamie sounded stoked when I said I could stay for longer than two weeks.

As all of this talk of love was happening, I received two messages. One from my sister to say she had been offered a job in Brisbane. Another from Sarah to say she was planning on being in Melbourne for Christmas. I took them as additional signs I should stay in Australia for longer.

Then a month before I booked my flight Jamie was posted to Cairns. He was over the moon, all of his friends were posted there. I was happy for him and in a way, I was a little relieved I wasn’t going to Sydney. I hadn’t had the best time when I lived there. Cairns wouldn’t have been my first choice but at least I knew it was going to be hot. Plus I’d get to meet his friends.

The day I booked my flight, I felt a buzz of anticipation and dread. The last six months had been crazy. I’d asked myself a thousand times; what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Am I insane? The answers were always: I don’t know, because it was a good idea at the time and yes, yes I am.

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